Progress

In January I decided a change was in order. Desperately needed, really. I continued to feel sluggish and despondent due to three years of sitting at a desk eight hours a day, in a job that I hated, doing mindless, repetitive work. I had cut myself off to part time, and started going to college to get my Masters in Theatre. That was the first big change. But even by the beginning of 2012, I still felt like crap. So I decided to start running. From January to mid-March, I participated in the Couch to 5k program, running every other day from sixty second intervals until thirty minute intervals. It was pretty life changing, I must admit. I’m not very fast, but I kept on running, eventually participating in my first 5k ever, the Shamrock Run here in Portland. My time was 36 minutes (the chip says 38, but it’s 36, for reasons I won’t get into here1). Continue reading

  1. Okay, you want to know? So I had my Runkeeper app on my phone on as I ran. Races like this have mats that you cross, and the third mat (that was the starting line, basically) began your chipped time. So that’s all good. But on the way back, the finish line had three mats too, but everyone kept stopping on the first mat. There was a mass of people, and so long story short I ended up waiting two minutes to get to the actual finish line. Hence, 38 rather than 36.

custom music files for c25k

Oh, hey, there, blog. Nice to see you. Hope you’ve been doing well, as I languish in introspective stagnation. I have something for you today, though. Oh yes. It’s music for running!

I’ve been doing the Couch to 5K program for the past seven weeks, with only two more to go. My progress has been amazing, not to toot my own horn. I went from barely being able to run 60 seconds without clutching my knees like that episode of the Simpsons when Marge joins the police force and Homer tries to run after her1, to being able to run longer than 20 minutes without even getting especially winded. It’s fantastic. I actually started C25K three times. The first time I couldn’t get past week two, the second time I got sick after week three, and this time is the third time, and I suppose it is also the charm.

I’ve been using Robert Ullery’s C25K podcasts to help me run. The first two times I started I was just using my cell phone’s stopwatch feature, which was just really annoying. But Robert’s podcasts have some decent electronica music and he chimes in and lets you know when to start or stop running, which is frequent in the first few weeks, and they became invaluable to my success in keeping track of my running.

But eventually I knew I was going to get to this place: long stretches of running with no intervals. I just finished Week Seven, which was three days of 25 minute runs (bookended with five minute warmup/cooldown walks). I decided this week to use a custom playlist of music, which I figured would give me even more morale to run because it was music that I enjoyed, and music that pumped me up. Turns out it worked really well!

So I am going to post these songs, with tracklists, so if you’re doing C25K and you want some fun music, you can choose to download these. Week Seven’s music is a little off in terms of specific running and stopping times, but Week Eight is pretty spot on.

Without further ado, here we go! [please note that Week Nine's playlist will be next week]

Week Seven (and also Day Three of Week Six!)

Download

Tracklist:
Warmup Track: Massive Attack – Teardrop
Anamanaguchi – Aurora (Meet Me in the Stars) [going from Teardrop to this really gets me in the mood to run!]
!!! – Heart of Hearts
George & Jonathan – The Next Best Thing
Isaac Quatorze – (Super) Super Horrocious
Le Tigre – Nanny Nanny Boo Boo (Junior Senior remix) [this song is the fucking bomb]
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – This Love is Fucking Right! [I put this here specifically because I knew it would pump me up for the last three minutes, which is exactly what you need]
Cooldown Track: Gotye – Somebody That I Used to Know [it's quiet, but it's good]
and bonus: Tenacious D – Cock Pushups

Week Eight!

Download

Tracklist:
Warmup Track: Andrew Bird – A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left
Cassius – The Sound of Violence [if this song doesn't pump you up, you have no heart]
The Rapture – House of Jealous Lovers
Junior Senior – Rhythm Bandits [almost three minutes, and perhaps a time to push a little bit]
Basement Jaxx – Red Alert
The Go! Team – Bottlerocket (Single Version)
Jimmy Eat World – Just Tonight…
Hedwig and the Angry Inch – Angry Inch [I thought it would be funny to use a song about a physical angry inch to remind me that my metaphorical "inch" of running was almost over. so there]
Cooldown Track: Blur – Beetlebum

Week Nine Coming Next Week!

So, I don’t know, maybe you’re interested in running, maybe not, and even if you’re not, these are nice little playlists of music. So … there!

After Week Nine I plan on making various 30 minute playlists. Or perhaps just make actual playlists (rather than podcasts, which these are) just so I have enough music to last an entire 5k, however long that takes me to run. Either way, music is a tremendous motivator in my run, and maybe it can be a motivator in yours, too!

(Also, if you’re reading this and maybe want me to do a full-program C25K podcast, let me know. I’ve been thinking about it!)

  1. Tried to find a clip on YouTube, NO DICE.

late night ramblings

me and aaron kiefer, c. 2002

There was a time, not so long ago, when I enjoyed acting. I’d like to think that I know a bit about myself and the way that I work, and so when I say I enjoyed acting, I mean that there was a point in my life where me — the guy you would see every day — was honest and open about himself. Acting, then, became a great way to inhabit the minds of people I’d never think to inhabit, people who had wildly different thoughts than I did, people who weren’t as honest and open as me, who tried very hard to obfuscate and keep secrets. But me, Josh Belville, just a silly guy with broken glasses and a very general lack of fashion sense, I was here, and I was me. Acting became a way to fuel emotions that I might not necessarily have on a day-to-day basis, to explore some inner workings that I was familiar with, but didn’t spend my life exacerbating, simply because I didn’t have to. There’s a proverb that goes, “Happy is the man who has no story to tell.” That was me. There was no facade, no mask betraying inner feelings. There was just me.

But now, as I’m writing this, and as I spend time delving into the double life of Don Draper (yes I’m watching Mad Men, and yes I’m watching it quickly), it occurs to me that my life has changed. No longer am I the man who is happy to be honest and open about himself and his life. It’s affected my work. Now I wear a mask every day, which I don’t even remove when I’m therapy; most of my time there is spent talking about other people, rarely about myself. So when I get on stage to perform, the words are meaningless — they’re not real, and I’m not real. The two cancel each other out. There’s no need to wear a mask when you’re already wearing one.

I mean, people get in this business for a variety of reasons. Some do it because they just want to be seen, acknowledged, loved by scores of strangers in a dark room. Some people desire the disconnect from themselves, because their personal lives are tumultuous and require distance. And some people, people like me, do it because our regular lives are relatively empty, meaningless, and donning someone else’s persona for a couple of hours a night is just a lot of fun. An added bonus is that we share a human experience for a group of people in a dimly lit theater, who may find themselves transformed by the end of the performance, as much as we were transformed in the beginning.

Performance is about the simultaneous act of giving yourself up for a character, and giving yourself into a character. It is a transformation unseen in any other art form. When Anna Deavere Smith performed her play Fires in the Mirror, she brought that transformation to light, and some people didn’t like it. Say what you will about the play, her contribution to theatre is one of illumination of the act itself. She was herself being characters. The incomplete transformation, the ability to be yourself and be the character. No man is Hamlet, but every actor who has performed Hamlet was Hamlet.

My problem is: I can’t invest in being Hamlet because I’m too busy being somebody else. Someone who is not me. Someone who doesn’t find joy in the world like he used to.

I guess what I’m saying is: I’m unhappy. There. You’re welcome.

the oresteia

I’m reading Aeschylus’ The Oresteia for my theatre history class. If you haven’t read it, and I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you haven’t, then I will explain: it is a tragedy in three parts, buuuut I would take the term “tragedy” loosely here; it’s more a “drama” or “not a comedy,” mostly because it ends happily, and because there really isn’t a feeling of tragic flaw, or really even a feeling of a protagonist. The theme in general is revenge based on Fate. The first play, Agamemnon, deals with King Agamemnon of Argos returning home following the sacking of Troy. He brings with him a slave woman, a prophetess named Cassandra. His wife, Clytemnestra, is angry with him because he A) sacrificed their daughter Iphigenia1 to the god Artemis so that he could receive favorable winds on the way to Troy, and B) he brought back Cassandra, who, while a prophetess, is pretty much his concubine at this point.

Anyway, as is the case with Greek tragedies, Clytemnestra ends up killing Agamemnon and Cassandra. Her lover Aegisthus becomes the new king, and the both of them seemingly walk off into the sunset, happy as clams. Of course, the Chorus warns them of Orestes, Clytemnestra’s son, who will return and get revenge. But what does she care, right? Meh! Bah! Whatever, dudes.

Cassandra is probably my favorite part of this first play in the trilogy. She’s such an underrated character. Most prophet-type characters in Greek mythology — Tiresias, Calchas, etc — are already in Mystery Mode by the time the play starts. They’re weird, they’re scary, and they’re always right. But Cassandra is different. She is a prophetess not because she wanted to be one, but because she was forced to become one by Apollo. Apollo thought she was beautiful and wanted to sleep with her, but she said no (way to go, by the way). In his anger, Apollo granted her the vision of prophecy, but also cursed her so that no one would believe her prophecies. There is a part in Agamemnon where Clytemnestra beckons Agamemnon into his home, to walk on the “red” carpet as a conqueror. I’ll admit, I didn’t really understand this while I read it, but doing this apparently indicates hubris on Agamemnon’s part, so he is reluctant to do as she says. Eventually he decides to leave with his wife, and Cassandra is left alone, which is when she receives a prophecy from Apollo, where she comes to understand that she will be killed if she goes into Agamemnon’s home. She already knows Agamemnon is going to be killed. Of course, the Chorus does not understand her. Cassandra is such a brilliantly tragic character, so much more than Agamemnon or Clytemnestra. She is the proto-Medea of this play, though unlike Medea, who seems to have complete control over her fate, Cassandra has been cursed to have no control over it. One might wonder why she doesn’t just leave, run away, start her life anew, but her sadness seems more entrenched in despair and frustration at her circumstances: no matter where she goes, or what she does, she will always be tormented by the truth that she cannot share. Thus, I think she willingly decides to enter Clytemnestra’s home to be killed, because her life would be nothing but torment if she did not. It’s such a tragic twist, such a sad story, and it’s only a small part of the trilogy. Too bad, really. Clytemnestra’s story is really not that tragic. Yes, Iphigenia was sacrificed, but then ten years happened. Agamemnon’s gone, Clytemnestra hooks up with Aegisthus, then he comes back and suddenly she has to construct all this anger again. To me, Agamemnon’s death has less to do with revenge than it does with making Aegisthus the king. Aeschylus brings Cassandra into the fold to further anger Agamemnon, but again, is that enough to raise the ire of Clytemnestra? It is in this play, apparently, but it seems suspect to me.

Anyway. The second play is called The Libation Bearers. It deals with Orestes and Electra, another child of Agamemnon and Clytemnestra, plotting to kill Clytemnestra and Aegisthus out of vengeance. Orestes finds Electra at Agamemnon’s gravesite, where she notices a lock of hair he has cut and placed on the grave. She almost immediately recognizes it to be Orestes’ hair, and the two meet each other after years of being apart. Orestes then plans to kill Clytemnestra and Aegisthus by pretending to be a citizen of Phocis, where Orestes’ friend Pylades is from and where Orestes lived when he was away.

Interesting tangent: the term “libation bearers” refers to the libations that Electra’s slave women chorus group pours onto Agamemnon’s grave: first honey, then milk, then wine, then water. The reason they do this is because Clytemnestra had a dream where she gave birth to a serpent, and the serpent feeds from her breast and draws blood at the same time (my translation referred to “bloodclots,” which was kind of gross). She has these women pour libations as a way to reduce harm to Clytemnestra. So the next time you see a “homey” pour out some of his 40oz for a dead friend, you can trace that action all the way back to ancient Greece.

I almost forgot to mention the part of this play where Orestes, Electra, and the Chorus attempt some kind of communion with Agamemnon. It’s a really amazing piece of work, very dense and lyrically complex. What’s equally great is that they sort of succeed but sort of don’t. Agamemnon doesn’t show up, all ghostly and scary and shit, as he might in some lesser form of drama, but Orestes does receive the information about Clytemnestra’s dream with the serpent, which he believes to be himself, and is enough to make him decide to kill her and Aegisthus. The whole scene is charged with mystery and reads (at least) like a freak out creepy Ouija board kind of scene you’d find in a movie.

It also makes me think of motivations for other characters. Like, why didn’t Antigone and Ismene try this with Polynices? It’s weird how characters react to things, you know?

Anyway, the recurring theme in these plays is one of “blood for blood,” and endless cycle of revenge killings. Iphigenia is killed by Agamemnon. Clytemnestra then kills Agamemnon and Cassandra for what he did. Orestes eventually kills Clytemnestra and Aegisthus in revenge. This cycle seems endless, but as we find out in the third play, it is not so.

So Orestes and Pylades come to Clytemnestra’s house and Orestes ends up killing Aegisthus fairly easily. But when it comes time to kill his own mother, he has reservations. He asks Pylades for advice, and Pylades reminds him of Apollo, who is basically running the show from behind the scenes. Orestes ends up killing Clytemnestra, which results in the second best scene in the play: the Erinyes (or the Furies, if you want the Roman name) chasing after him. You know whenever the Nazgul are chasing the Hobbits? It’s like that. Only Orestes can see them, but they are chasing after him like a bat out of hell. It’s a great ending to the second play, because it shows that there are consequences to our actions. Orestes felt he was in the right, but the Erinyes feel differently.

Which leads us to the last play, which is called The Eumenides, and deals with the trial of Orestes by Athena. The Erinyes are like the Richard Belzer and Jerry Orbach of family killings — they’re out to stop them. Orestes believes killing Clytemnestra was right, the Erinyes believe it to be wrong, and Athena steps in and decides to find the verdict through a trial. It’s a pretty interesting scene, watching the Erinyes trying to get at Orestes, furious with Athena for having a trial instead. Apollo shows up again, to act as a witness (or attorney, really) for Orestes. Apollo’s a weird character in this trilogy. First he screws up Cassandra’s life just because she won’t sleep with him, which, in my mind, is a tremendous act of hubris (and, in Agamemnon, Cassandra’s description of the moment Apollo tried to get it on sounds a lot more like rape than love, so I don’t blame her for saying no). Then, he guides Orestes into killing his mother, and then he sits at his trial and defends him. What a guy, eh?

There’s another great scene at the beginning of this play, where the Ghost of Clytemnestra tries to rouse the Erinyes from some kind of slumber cast upon them by Apollo. Orestes is being trafficked, so to speak, to Athens by Hermes, and Apollo’s buying him some time. Apollo’s like the ancient Greek’s version of Saul Goodman. But what’s great about the scene is that it gives us a chance to see Clytemnestra again, this time dead and presumably in the land of the dead. Why she chooses to appear here is uncertain, but she leaves just as soon as the Erinyes begin to wake up, so I guess she’s a dream? Who knows.

Anyway, long story short, Orestes is acquitted because the jury is split evenly, but Athena votes for Orestes. Apollo’s defense for Orestes’ alleged crime is, I shit you not, just, maybe you should sit down for this: that men are better than women, in marriage, at least. I shit you not! His reason behind this is that Athena was born from Zeus without a mother.

… I shit you not, guys. Read the damn play yourself! I feel like this kind of misogyny can’t even be called misogyny. It’s like some kind of proto-sogyny, where the men just don’t even know what the hell they’re doing, they’re just saying, “Dude men are better than women!” like a five year old would, just because he heard it from his parents. It’s disconcerting, really. You honestly can’t put modern bias on ancient times, but on the other  hand, there is no disagreement that ancient Greece was A) wholly patriarchal, and B) did not care for women that much. At least in the writings we have. Sucks. Really sucks.

I gotta hand it to the Greeks, though: they make their gods really fucked up.

So Athena buys this and votes for Orestes’ acquittal. The other votes are split, so Orestes wins. This could’ve been the end of the play, but instead, the Erinyes go apeshit, arguing with Athena and threatening to ruin the Athenian crops. Athena gets them to calm down and ends up promoting them, in a way; they now will take care of the city’s prosperity. Nice! This scene is also great because Athena calls the Erinyes the “old gods” and fully acknowledges that she is a “young god,” and that they have more wisdom than she. How is that possible? She’s a god! How do some gods have less wisdom than others?

Oh Greeks, you are magnificient.

One of the greater themes this trilogy brings is that of justice, not in vengeance, but in a court of law. Of course, the “laws” presented in this court seemingly have no bearing on anything worthwhile, aaaand Apollo’s defense plan is 100% utter bullshit, but it’s a start, at least. If anything, it says to me that you shouldn’t have gods judge what mortals do. Especially Greek gods.

So that’s everything you probably wanted to know about The Oresteia and then some. Tune in next week, when I ramble on about plays you don’t know and don’t care about! Huzzah!

  1. By the way, did I mention that I typed these names out off the top of my head, without looking? Because I did. Oh yeah.

cheater

Weight: 258.7
lb fat: 75.9
% fat: 29.4
% water: 51.5
% bone: 9.4
BMI: 30.8

A slight gain from last week, but overall it could’ve been a lot worse. I’ve been weighing myself every day since the 8th, and the past couple of days have been a pound higher. I don’t plan on weighing myself every day of the year, only this month, just to get a sense of how my body weight works. It’s just interesting to me. Anyway…

I cheated the other day. Totally ruined my No Sugar January. I ate some Trader Joe’s cookies1 that my girlfriend had won in a white elephant gift exchange. I told her I would wait until February to eat them, but I didn’t. Couldn’t help myself. They were sitting on the top of the fridge, just staring at me in their hexagonal box, goading me on. There were four kinds, and I had one of each. That’s it. Four cookies. Pretty tame, actually, compared to my usual cycle of buying a sleeve of Oreos from the corner store and chowing down on them with a tall glass of milk. But still. Four cookies. Ruined my month.

Okay, not really. Always look on the bright side, right? It was only four cookies. The bad news is that I’m starting to slide back into some bad habits, mostly because of school and the necessity of good food taking a backseat to education. But I’m also working out more than I did before, so hopefully it balances itself out enough that I still lose weight. I can’t help being super hungry after working out, but I can help myself by eating right.

  1. Joe Joe’s, specifically